Radical Self Care

As an adult woman, there is no one who will care for me.  This is simply factual.  This is not a statement meant to evoke  feelings of self-pity, although it does connote a little bit of the “woe is me, none cares,” thought process.

But that is not the intention nor is it the fact. As children we are religiously cared for, our needs anticipated and met minute to minute.  However, as we age, even if we’re married or in a committed loving relationship, it is up to us to monitor our own moods and assess and meet our own needs.

The task falls to me to monitor myself, and make decisions based on where I am on my own personal spectrum of wellness in order to keep myself at neutral.

Self care on a daily basis means being deeply in tune with yourself and taking steps to keep yourself in the place I refer to as neutral.  I characterize neutral as your peaceful space…. your sweet spot.

Feverishly attempting to keep yourself in your most blissed out space 24/7 would drive most people toward the insanity of chronic, poor short-term decision making.

Neutral is indicative of a meditative space where we observe the world around us with the buffer of time and logic, before reacting.

As a member of AA and a woman who carries the diagnosis of bipolar disorder since 19, it has taken me almost 2 decades to accurately classify my moods, identify the habitual destructive behaviors that accompany them, and consciously and forcefully insert radical self-care in place of those old behaviors.

Often when I bring up self-care, people equate it with selfishness.  However, believe me when I say that selfish behavior, the easier behavior,  would be to do nothing and stay in the old, grooved, comfortably sick actions.

I choose not to do that.  I choose self care. These are the steps I take daily to care for myself.

I do metta meditation.  I contact like-minded people and check in through text or phone call.  I take part in a daily gratitude email thread where I write things I am grateful for and read what the others are grateful for. I attend meetings on regular meeting days.  I attend yoga at least once a week.  I see my psychiatrist bi-weekly and at times, a therapist weekly.   I am of service to people through sponsorship or mentoring.

Another aspect of self care is the decision to treat yourself kindly in all aspects which includes not engaging in negative self talk.  To not denigrate yourself under any circumstances.  To remember the mantra; not perfect, not perfect, not perfect.

Failure is a teacher.  Handling your mistakes with honesty and integrity builds character.  Striving to live perfectly is as crazy making as trying to live in a chronic state of bliss.  It’s an unreachable and misguided goal.

When you’re caring for yourself daily , but still find yourself in a destructive mood, then it’s time to break out RADICAL SELF CARE. I characterize Radical Self Care as your “emergency button.”  These are the moments when you realize – I am doing everything I usually do to remain in neutral – but for some reason I am NO WHERE NEAR it.  I am verging on catastrophe.

These are the ways I enact RADICAL SELF CARE. This is enforced when I feel a potentially damaging emotion surfacing.

Assess the emotion:

Am I angry?

Habitual Action: Lash out at someone, say something I will later regret

What I do:

I separate myself to minimize the damage.  Maybe switch into deep breathing, listen to some calming music, do a short meditation if possible (guided works best because if I’m angry I can barely handle sitting still and I need someone to talk me through it.  The “buddhify” app works great for that).

If I am resentful of a person I will do a “spot check,” which is an AA app, where I write an inventory of my resentment and email it to my sponsor.  The key there is that I identify the resentment, no matter how obvious it is, share it with another person, and take responsibility for my part immediately.  Did I have unrealistic expectations?  Did I take something personally that wasn’t about me?

This is important to acknowledge the resentment without complaining about it for an hour to someone on the phone, which is a waste of your and their time.

Am I depressed?

Habitual Action: Over eat and sleep

What I do:

I write a gratitude list and take a bath with some oils that are soothing. Doterra Oils are amazing, specifically Serenity or Balance.  I feel that depression is an emotion that cannot be downplayed and should be treated with great care.  Getting a massage, letting yourself sleep, allowing for a deep guttural cry – these are all deeply cleansing.  Switch into full-on self-care mode.  Treat yourself like a baby.  Let yourself feel the feeling and move through it.

If it continues beyond a day or two – I have a daily/weekly practice of a therapist, or a community I can reach out to. Having a community of like-minded people is key.

Am I manic?

Habitual Action: Shop with money I don’t have or start a project I’ll never finish

I can choose to channel the energy into positive spaces rather then destructive ones.  I can do any of the number of things I typically avoid, such as lesson planning or cleaning up.  I can exercise, I think outdoor exercise is best while manic because it brings in a connection to the earth. I also use this surge of energy to write a blog entry or a chapter of my novel.

 

It’s important to remember that there are physiological feelings that mask as emotions.

Checking if you are hungry, lonely, or tired is important because they can masquerade as anger or depression.  This is why it is important to sleep well, eat well and stay rooted in some sort of community.  That will help you avoid confusing biological feelings for negative emotions.

Self care is not selfish.  It is quite the opposite.  It is keeping yourself in a neutral space of grace which allows you to perform at your best and be of maximum service to those around you.

As I sit here writing, sipping my peppermint tea listening to soothing music, I ready myself for a full day of chores and activities with my 7-year-old where I will be fully present, fully capable and completely neutral.

Namaste